Cold

I am cold.

Is New England the coldest part of the world? No, but we've got to be in the top ten, right?

Maybe not, but if there are places colder than this, I'm not going there. Mind you, I prefer extreme cold to extreme heat. At least when you're cold, you can wear clothes and try to stay warm, but when it's too hot, lying naked on your bed at night with a fan blowing on you doesn't stop you from being hot. It's just miserable. Anyway, I digress.

I am cold.

Yesterday, when I left the house it was 15 degrees, and it's December. Oh what joys February has for us! When it's this cold, your nose hairs freeze as you walk. When it's this cold, every part of your body is covered except for your nose and mouth and they're screaming at you - "Face mask, you loser!" And your nose isn't even supposed to talk! Anyway, I digress.

I am so cold.

You: Funkyman, how cold are you?

I'm glad you asked. Here are some one liners for your next winter party.

1. I am so cold that when I hug someone, they get pneumonia. HA!
2. I am so cold that when I was a kid I said, "There will be a black president when hell freezes over." Enough said.
3. I am so cold that when I walked on burning hot coals, I put the fire OUT. The fire went OUT I said. HA!
4. I am so cold that when I sat down to eat my TV Dinner on my lap, it was frozen again. It was frozen AGAIN I said, because you see I COOKED it and then because I put it on my LAP, . . . you see?
5. I am so cold that when Tracy Strauss shook my hand - SHE FROZE! (Vague "Heroes" reference)
6. I am so cold that the Cold Miser sold me the rights to his song. Yes, THE Cold Miser. Now the song is "FunkyMiser."
7. I am so cold that the Devil said, "Man, you win." The DEVIL. HA!
8. I am so cold that when my daughter wants a popsicle, I pour her some Kool-Aid and hand it to her. I HAND IT TO HER!
9. I am so cold that when my wife wants ice cream, I milk the cow. ICE CREAM!
10. I am so cold that my metabolism has slowed down considerably. In three years, I'll still be 37. I WILL NOT HAVE AGED. HA!
11. I am so cold that penguins travel far and wide to come dance on my belly.
12. I am so cold that Coca-Cola just filmed a commercial with me. The polar bears are suing. A POLAR BEAR LAWSUIT!
13. I am so cold that ABC Family Channel just filmed a Christmas movie about me - "Funky the Snow Man." Frosty is suing. A SNOWMAN LAWSUIT!
14. I am so cold that when I go to the bathroom, it really hurts. USE YOUR IMAGINATION MAN!
15. I am so cold that Winter has been renamed FUNKYMAN'S TOES!
16. I am so cold that Spring has been renamed WE SURRENDER!
17. I am so cold that Summer has been renamed FUNKYMAN ON VACATION!
18. I am so cold that Fall has been renamed HE'S COMING BACK WHEN?
19. I am so cold that my jokes don't even have to be funny. HA!
20. I am so cold that while typing this blog, I've gone through 9 computer keyboards. Know why? Because they're Macintosh, and they suck!

Oh well, looks like Study Hall is over.

Peace to all!

- Winterman